I’m an optimist…sometimes.

I tend to look on the bright side of things, but I realized that when I can’t see the bright side of things, I panic.

Like, a lot.

And I’m trying not to. Really, I am. I’m trying to be calm and patient, and even though I can have a surprising amount of patience, I am not patient when it comes to my health.

Last Friday, I finally went to the doctor and really explained my symptoms. (I know, after seven years…FINALLY). She’s running some tests, checking for celiac disease and IBS, checking if my kidney and liver is working properly (standard tests), infections, anemia, B12 and Vitamin D, and my thyroid.

And I can’t help but panic. What if my tests come out normal? Sure to most people that would be a good thing, but in my case that just means longer time going without treatment or answers. I stated talking about my health problems in my blog posts here and here, and I’ve also stated that I am 99.9% sure that my symptoms relate to a thyroid dysfunction. It is the ONLY thing that really makes sense (to me, at least. I’m not a medical professional), but I know that in many cases, thyroid tests come out normal.

Especially for an autoimmune disease called Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis – which is something that I suspect I might have. Keyword: Might. Maybe 85% sure? The other percentage is me hoping it’s not, to be honest, but nevertheless I can’t help but wonder what happens if my tests are normal.

Would my doctor just give up on the idea it is my thyroid? Even so, how would I convince her that I think it is my thyroid when I still find myself closing my eyes and whispering to myself, “It’s all in your head, Kaia. The pain isn’t real.”

The pain is real. I know that – I should know that – but after being told that it’s all in my head or given excuses or people just acting like it’s all in my head for too long, it’s hard to convince myself otherwise.

I’m nervous. I’m anxious to get my results back, and hopefully I can review my results on the Patient Portal that I have access to online after my doctor views it and before my doctor’s appointment. I’m not sure I would be able to handle waiting for my appointment for my doctor to tell me “Your thyroid is fine. Let’s try a different direction.”

No. We are on the right direction. I know it – and maybe I just need to get my labs done when I feel like I’m at my complete worse. Seriously, why is it that every time I go get blood work done, it’s when my symptoms are ‘mild’? It infuriates me.

My health is the only time my optimism fades and I become terribly anxious all the time. Maybe it’s because I’m a control freak, and with my health I feel like I’m losing control – or never even had control. Just the thought makes my heart flutter, and I absolutely hate it.

But, I know that I just need to stay positive and keep an open-mind. Who knows? Maybe my symptoms are caused by a multitude of things *groans*  instead of a thyroid dysfunction (which, technically, will still be a multitude of things…) *groans again*.

Well, I guess I just need to keep moving swimming.





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