If you haven’t read in some of my previous blog posts already, you’ll know that I have a chronic invisible illness.
What’s an invisible illness? Some of you may ask. It’s a chronic illness that may last for years or even be life-long with symptoms that are “invisible” to other people. They can’t see your pain. They can’t see your lack of focus. It’s not like having chicken pox where it’s obvious you’re sick. But, because all they tend to see is how much we complain, or how much we sleep or cry, they tell us that, “It’s all in your head.”, “It must be psycho-somatic. Your body is projecting these “symptoms” based off your depression,” or even “We don’t have that kind of money. Stop trying to seek attention.”.
And it sucks.
It really does.
For seven years I’ve dealt with this, and for seven years I pretty much heard it all.
“Just lose weight.” They say, even though they don’t realize that I gain weight on a healthy, balanced diet – or when and if I do lose weight, I am practically comatose.
“Maybe if you stop sleeping so much…” they say, even though often, if I get eight hours of sleep, I can’t stay awake or I feel too weak.
So, yeah, I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling like I am getting stabbed by a knife or stung by a bee over and over and over again. I’m tired of feeling terrified to even go out jogging, because I know that every single time I was left in extreme chest, shoulder, and stomach pain, and nausea to go with. I’m tired of the headaches, inability to concentrate, digestive problems, fatigue, and so much more.
Honestly, the list of symptoms is so long (and yes, I’ve written a list) that it’s just…sad.
And if this hits home for you, I’m sorry.
I’ve had people down-grade my symptoms, tell me it’s all in my head, or out-right ignore me for so long that I even gave up. For the past year, I accepted that I will never feel normal again (whatever normal feels like), and that I will never lose weight. Once I stopped watching what I ate and ate somewhat like crap, my pain only became dull (and sometimes was non-existent) and my symptoms were mild. However, I kept gaining weight and I never got any exercise.
Then suddenly, my symptoms flare up big time, and I nearly lost my job because of it.
So, I decided to schedule a doctor’s appointment. I’m nervous and excited and terrified all at once. I know that it will take more than one or two visits to figure out what is wrong with me, but I don’t care. I’m finally doing something, and the thought makes me want to cry in joy.
I know that I have a long and tiring and emotional journey ahead of me, and although I wish I could just skip to the end, I know that I can’t. I also know that eventually (because it happens every time) I will get stuck and decide to give up.
I’m not going to let that happen this time. I’m going to see this through the end, no matter how much money or how long it takes.
And, as a matter of fact, I wrote a list of things I’m going to FINALLY do when
and if I am healthy again:
- I’m going to dive right back into magick. Another downside to being chronically ill? If your body isn’t normal or at it’s best, your magick isn’t either. In fact, it just might become completely dormant until you are back to your normal, healthy, self.
- I’m going to write, write, and write! With my inability to concentrate and my constant brain fog, It’s a struggle to write. How am I supposed to become a professional writer one day if I can’t even think straight? I just hope that when I get better, this symptom goes away.
- I’m going to enjoy myself. I’m going to enjoy hanging out with friends, shopping, and doing whatever we do. Because of the constant-state-of-crap I am always in, I can’t seem to really enjoy being out with friends or family. Of course, with my closest friends, I love it – but something always ends up holding me back. Depression, pain – whatever it is. It always ruins the day.
- I’m not even sure exactly what I’ll do, but I want to go out. I’m going to dance, hike, or whatever I want! I miss it. I’ve been in sports all my life, yet I don’t feel like an athlete because my 110% in my sports seemed like 10% to everyone else. They couldn’t see that everything was a constant struggle for me. It was a miracle that I even made the team.
- And finally…I’m going to go after my dreams. I know this one is similar to number 2, but this is a little bit different. Sure, I want to be a professional writer, but I also have a bucket list that is about 180 things long, and I’m planning on doing them.
Are you going through stuff, too? Write your plan, write your goals, and write a list of things you’re going to do afterwards. When you feel down and feel like giving up, just remember that list.
You can do it.
And so can I.